I got Obama some jeggings as a President’s Day gift, what did you guys get?
My love life just flashed before my eyes.
Softballs are really hard. Can we talk about this? Balls.
RT @donni: Typical Saturday morning: Rode the llama to Office Max, huffed liquified shoelaces, warned the mayor about land dolphins, and …
Don’t follow these three gems because they’re smart & funny. Do it because they’re attractive: @shhhmegs @AnitaUncensored @GlitterStoned #FF
These werewolves today ain’t shit. When Seth Green was a werewolf he dated a lesbian with magical powers. Boss.
Rashida Jones has the comedic timing of a house plant.
It’s 10 o’clock, do you know where your clitoris is?
Never trust a grown woman who smokes cloves.
I wish this coffee table was a burrito.
Wendy Williams is talking shit about you right now Charlie Sheen. Rock Bottom.
I asked the bartender for “as much vodka on the rocks as I can have for $4” and she just filled up the cup. That makes her my Valentine.
I asked my neighbor if I could borrow a cup of sugar. He totally understood that I meant cocaine.
Colonel Mustard At The Dog Park With The Candlestick. RT @iShotaDeadGuy So…did they ever find who let the dogs out?
RT @auntielupes_box: “With great power comes great responsibility.” Something I remind myself of every time I grab a spatula and make gr …
That woman tried to take my clothes off.
RT @Kory_4d: If I were a chick, I’d text boob pics to @AustinBHarris @PhantaSci @CtotheASS @VHStapes2 @DavidKlien5 @EighthSign and @John …
Sometimes when everyone starts fighting and getting out of hand I turn into a 7 foot tall Jesus and everybody just calms down.
Maude and Maude #seniorporntitles