I got Obama some jeggings as a President’s Day gift, what did you guys get?
My love life just flashed before my eyes.
Softballs are really hard. Can we talk about this? Balls.
RT @donni: Typical Saturday morning: Rode the llama to Office Max, huffed liquified shoelaces, warned the mayor about land dolphins, and …
Don’t follow these three gems because they’re smart & funny. Do it because they’re attractive: @shhhmegs @AnitaUncensored @GlitterStoned #FF
These werewolves today ain’t shit. When Seth Green was a werewolf he dated a lesbian with magical powers. Boss.
Rashida Jones has the comedic timing of a house plant.
It’s 10 o’clock, do you know where your clitoris is?
Never trust a grown woman who smokes cloves.
I wish this coffee table was a burrito.
Wendy Williams is talking shit about you right now Charlie Sheen. Rock Bottom.
I asked the bartender for “as much vodka on the rocks as I can have for $4” and she just filled up the cup. That makes her my Valentine.
I asked my neighbor if I could borrow a cup of sugar. He totally understood that I meant cocaine.
Colonel Mustard At The Dog Park With The Candlestick. RT @iShotaDeadGuy So…did they ever find who let the dogs out?
RT @auntielupes_box: “With great power comes great responsibility.” Something I remind myself of every time I grab a spatula and make gr …
That woman tried to take my clothes off.
RT @Kory_4d: If I were a chick, I’d text boob pics to @AustinBHarris @PhantaSci @CtotheASS @VHStapes2 @DavidKlien5 @EighthSign and @John …
Sometimes when everyone starts fighting and getting out of hand I turn into a 7 foot tall Jesus and everybody just calms down.
Maude and Maude #seniorporntitles
Lets all drink tequila til we do the Macarena, whaddayasay?
RT @shhhmegs: Always. RT @VHStapes2 Anybody wanna go break some shit and then get some hot cocoa?
He’s a bad boy. A rebel without a cause. Like AJ from The Backstreet Boys.
I think the dude in “Baby It’s Cold Outside” is just trying to take advantage of you, Ella Fitzgerald.
RT @LipstickSpice: Take a look at @VHStapes2 most faved page.. You should follow her! http://favstar.fm/users/VHStapes2
RT @slyoung5: No motivation today. Maybe I need to be fucked into motivation, but I still wouldn’t get any work done, because I wouldn’t …
If I was a dude I’d be fuckin awesome at football so way to miss out gender stereotypes.
How I Met Your Mother: “How I Sucked And My Friends Were Hilarious” narrated by Bob Saget who just wanted to sit around for his next gig.
Don’t tell anyone I said this, but the bottom half of Jerry Stiller’s face looks like a vagina.
The Roots are my happy place.
I’m watching In & Out starring Kevin Kline. That’s the whole joke.
I think people think Im mean. Im actually a really nice young lady! Except for the time I killed that guy for giving my wife a foot massage.
Round up the cattle and migrate south, Cowboy. The railroads gettin built right through your territory. #PonyExpressFail
Bad morning. Zipper broke. Trapped in coat. Got mad. Turned into Hulk. Kicked a cat. Cat turned out to be a jaguar. At work now sipping tea.
Once saw this guy just walking down the street with a ONE WAY sign. I hope he turned it into a stripper pole and changed it to say BONE WAY.
RT @LudicLezzy: I’m pretty certain that my life would be 100 times better if tonight ended with an orgasm and a slap on the ass.